Haven't been updating cos' I've been lazy, and I usually have no time on weekends to sit in front of the computer trying to wax lyrical prose into my thoughts.

Recently, I have embarked on a project to consolidate my legacy of photographs from the past decades to new albums.

To dedicate the earlier birthday post to my bro, I had to do some digging into old photos and while I was doing this, I realized most of these old albums had not withstood the test of time, and some were starting to warp. So I decided to buy new photo albums from Popular Bookstore and rearrange these little treasures.

Unfortunately, over the weekend I only managed to finish arranging the pics from my recent wedding shoot and din get started on my mission till last night.

I had bought 3 albums which was supposed to hold 900 pictures, and guess wat? It wasn't enough. Mind you, I was only trying to consolidate the countless 3R albums...

It was then that I realized between my brother and myself, we had thousands of pictures documenting our growing years, capturing many precious moments so that if we took the time to look at them again, we would be able to recall many carelessly forgotten whims that had seemed so important to us.

There was my favourite Strawberry Shortcake and Smurf plush toys, my pacifier which I refused to give up till I started kindergarten, hidden smiles on my parents' and relatives' faces, facial expressions belying hidden feelings which you never begin to understand or recognize till you have felt them youself. A candid moment caught or an unhappy face spotted transports you back in time, and you remember everything like it was yesterday.

My mother was the chief photographer who took all these pictures. I remember when we were little, she used to dress us up in matching outfits, buy a disposable camera and take us to various places like Plaza Singapura to have a "photoshoot" day.

It was only until last night, when I was going through the photos again that I realized we meant so much to her. Every shot, every pose, painstakingly crafted to preserve that special moment in time for herself to savor.

When I was much younger, I looked upon these albums as the only reminder I have of my mother, so I kept them. I figured if these were so important to her, it should be my duty and responsiblity to hold onto them and take proper care of them. It was only last night that I looked upon these photos in a different light and I learnt to appreciate my mother that much more.

It's difficult to put into words, but from nurturing Ace, I'm slowly starting to understand why these moments in time meant so much to my mother.

That first step, the first tooth, the first day of school. Every first for me meant I was taking a step further from her and with it, I was slowly growing into me, moulding my own personality and character.

My relationship with my mother was tumultous to say the least. She lavished love on me, but was also a strict disciplinarian. I remember crying buckets of tears when I tremulously showed her my Chinese homework. A single stroke out of line would cause her to rub the eraser over the entire page clean to make me re-write the Chinese characters. I remember cowering in fear when she reached for the cane to punish me when I had disobeyed her or bullied my brother.

From feelings of anger, hurt and frustration, I learnt over the years to accept and slowly come to terms with my mother's "old skool discipline".

But last night, sitting there slowly rearranging the thousands of old photos which brought back bittersweet memories, I felt I had finally understood her, woman to woman.

Labels: reflections