Why are there so many happy couples out there? What is the secret to a lasting, fulfilling partnership with your beloved? If I could google up a sure-fire solution, please let me know the key words. Or better yet, can someone tell me how to understand men?

If life was as simple as asking a question, getting the answer and doing what you were told, would I be a much happier person? What is the meaning of being happy? Is it that contentment you feel after finishing a good book, or that satisfaction of eating your favourite flavour of ice-cream? Is it the sense of self-confidence to walk around stark naked with all your problem areas like love handles for the world to see, or the security in knowing that you love your other half and are being loved in return?

My self-esteem is in the pits now, obviously I'm not important enough cos' simply put, my other half just told me he doesn't care. Every time I ask for something, it's always the same answer: "I have no time".

He never has time for me, but he has time for work, for his colleagues, for after work entertainment and for his countless groups of friends. He's besieged by invitations to go out every night after work. And to him, he has been the one making the sacrifices in this marriage, cos' according to him, he has already cut down on going out, ALOT.

I asked him earlier, when you go out so many days a week, do you ever stop to think if your wife might be lonely, or has it ever crossed your mind to ask your wife to do something together?

His reply was: "Well, I think my wife would be making her own plans to go out with her own frens, and besides, she also has the dog to accompany her. Otherwise if she's lonely or bored, my sister can keep her company."

His answer left me cold, and suddenly, I felt that I had enough. I had wasted enough time and effort on a lost cause. The tears came, hard and fast, regardless of the fact that I was sitting at my office cubicle.

In times like these, doubt plagues my every step. Have I married the wrong person? Are we really meant for each other? Is there such a thing as "the one" for you? Am I being unreasonable in my demands? Why must life be so difficult with the one you love? I envy couples who seem to know each others' thoughts, who are happy and contented and who revel in taking their relationships to a higher level of understanding.

What is it like to love like a dog? Unconditionally. It's owner can be the biggest loser on earth, but to his pet dog, he is the world. He's the best! Dogs dun compare, dogs dun demand and a dog never asks itself if this is worth it. If I could be Ace for a day, would I know then the meaning of real happiness?

Or could I be a cyborg, then I can programme myself to be happy everday and not think about anything else?

Why can't the finer things in life be bought? If all of life's problems could be solved with a simple formula or microchip, wouldn't things be much easier? If I were devoid of emotion, would I be able to cope with life's issues better?

How did all those people in blind marriages cope in the olden days? Why could these people live in conjugal bliss till the day they died, in the arms of those they loved? Was it because life was much simpler then?

Do I look like I can cook?

Ahem... *drumroll please* I CAN!

I've always been able to cook, just not very well. And when I say cook, I mean I can whip up dishes more complicated than instant noodles, or Campbell's canned soup.

But recently, I've gotten better. Well, I would put it down to playing Cooking Mama on Wii, as it has helped me to improve on preparing the ingredients I needed to chop or slice and also my frying skills.

I've also started being more concious of the taste of my finished products, hence I would plan before hand and go over my self-created recipes mentally before the actual cooking.

Betcha din noe that dark soya sauce leaves a bitter taste, hence to counter it, you have to add in a dash of sugar, wuahahaha...

I attempted a new dish on Sunday night, and the verdict was an overall: "not bad". Hmmm, should I take that as a success?

I had decided to cook pasta for dinner as my aunt and cousins were coming over to my place to see my wedding albums. Hence, that would mean dinner for six, including Jules, Emperor and myself.

Crossed out steamboat as my cousin was sick and it would be awful if the germs were to spread to all of us. Felt that pasta would be a good choice as it required minimal preparation and fuss, compared to Chinese-style dishes. After much deliberation, I decided to try to cook Aglio Olio.

For those who dunno, Aglio Olio is a much easier pasta to cook, simply because there is no gravy! No cream sauce, no tomato sauce, no white wine rubbish to deal with, just lotsa olive oil, garlic and chilli padi! I also added honey-baked ham, canned mushrooms and fresh prawns as the main ingredients.Yup, you read correctly, I added chilli padi for some zing!

Was abit worried it wouldn't turn out right, but when I tucked into my own plate of pasta, it tasted alright. So yeah! PASS! Now I can boast of my culinary skills and add one more dish to my specialties!!!

I am a weekend widow, but this week, it feels like I'm a weekly widow.

Widow in the sense that, my husband has been non-existent. Let me list down what he has been up to this week:

If you've been wondering what I've been up to... NOTHING!

Nothing of any interest to blog about. It's just been mundane and ordinary. Boring stuff that married people of my age get up to: family gatherings, dinners with parents-in-law, work, home, looking after the dog.

I really take my hat off to Tim who can go clubbing at least like once a week, hmm... mebe cos' he's gone back to being a student and he has a young gf. Mebe it's cos' he's still dating and not married. You know how dating couples have 1001 things they wanna do together? Dun get me wrong, it's not sour grapes, I just find it bewildering where he gets all that energy.

Which is funny cos' I used to be such a party animal. You could always count on me to go for midnight movies, singing, clubbing or drinking. When I was in sales, my working shifts were at least 12 hours, and after I knocked off, I would join friends for drinks till like 3-4am, stumble home, concuss and wake up at 9am the next day for work, and I would do the same thing AGAIN for days on end. When I changed to office hour jobs, my schedules remained more or less the same. Looking back now, I'm really amazed I could pull all that off.

On a totally unrelated note, I think I've finally lost some weight, and I feel damn good! The diet plan started before my wedding shoot, but only now then I'm starting to see some results. Less carbo really makes ALOT of difference! Add to that, I've also stopped imbibing alcohol for months, no beer = no extra unwanted calories!

Okie, now serious wan... calling all frens who read my humble blog: Are you interested in buying stuff from www.forever21.com? My loots from my trial spree have been delivered and I'm really happy with my buys. Would love to buy more really SOON, so if you are interested, please let me know...

Word Definition of Bimbo taken from www.answers.com:

Slang. A woman regarded as vacuous or as having an exaggerated interest in her sexual appeal.
Slang. A vacuous person: “a male bimbo … who even has to be tutored … in the clichés that comprise the basic interview” (George F. Will).



Okie, my point is in the first definition: a woman regarded as vacuous, keyword: regarded. That does not mean the woman is really vacuous or to put it in simple English, dumb.

It drives me nuts when Emperor uses this word on me. It doesn't necessarily mean that I'm dumb just cos' I have different perspectives or opinions. It just means that I am different. Since when has different become synonymous to dumb?

It simply means that I have not been exposed to what you have experienced. Before you make that conclusion about me being a bimbo, has it ever crossed your mind, what I was taught growing up? If you were living my life, would you have done better?

I have always been a very naive and gullible person. I've never been streetsmart and tend to take things at face value. In addition, I'm kinda' ditzy and I laugh at the silliest things. It din help that I grew up on Enid Blyton stories and the Sweet Valley High series. It was only after I started working that I became slightly wiser to the ways of the world.

Even though I came from a convent school and there were no boys, we still had a graduation cum debutante ball. I attended classes where we learnt how to cook, how to walk, how to sit and how to stand like a lady. I was also taught how to use different cutlery in fine dining table settings and to make myself look presentable.

I'm a very girly type of girl and very vain. This was never discouraged at home, in fact it was encouraged. Since I was a precocious child, I've been playing around with make-up and high heel shoes, starting with my mum's then my aunts'.

My 1st makeover in life came when I went to live with my aunt. I was quite the freak show during puberty. My aunts taught me to wear nice underwear, brought me for a revolutionary haircut, and showed me how to dress to impress.

Although our family was not well-off, I was still pretty much a 千金小姐. My mother always made sure that I was well-cared for *meaning: thy will was always done and thy wish was always granted*.

After she left us, my grandmother took over. Sure, I had to do some mediocre chores, but I guess Grandma always felt that there would be a "right" time to impart her superwoman powers and knowledge to me, so I ended up never having to worry for stuff at home as the "right" time never came about. I pretty much used my brains only for planning how to have fun, making mischief and getting into trouble.

So whatever I know how to do now, it's all really through trial and error. Through hard work and practice, because I was a very sheltered and privileged child. It was only after my grandmother moved out when I was in my early twenties, that I had to deal with the realities of life by myself.

I know I'm not perfect, but I work hard too. Does it mean that just cos' I dun get the best results, I'm not putting in any effort at all? NO, IT DOESN'T! It just means I'm DIFFERENT from you, so dun you be judging me!

Labels: bimbo

Haven't been updating cos' I've been lazy, and I usually have no time on weekends to sit in front of the computer trying to wax lyrical prose into my thoughts.

Recently, I have embarked on a project to consolidate my legacy of photographs from the past decades to new albums.

To dedicate the earlier birthday post to my bro, I had to do some digging into old photos and while I was doing this, I realized most of these old albums had not withstood the test of time, and some were starting to warp. So I decided to buy new photo albums from Popular Bookstore and rearrange these little treasures.

Unfortunately, over the weekend I only managed to finish arranging the pics from my recent wedding shoot and din get started on my mission till last night.

I had bought 3 albums which was supposed to hold 900 pictures, and guess wat? It wasn't enough. Mind you, I was only trying to consolidate the countless 3R albums...

It was then that I realized between my brother and myself, we had thousands of pictures documenting our growing years, capturing many precious moments so that if we took the time to look at them again, we would be able to recall many carelessly forgotten whims that had seemed so important to us.

There was my favourite Strawberry Shortcake and Smurf plush toys, my pacifier which I refused to give up till I started kindergarten, hidden smiles on my parents' and relatives' faces, facial expressions belying hidden feelings which you never begin to understand or recognize till you have felt them youself. A candid moment caught or an unhappy face spotted transports you back in time, and you remember everything like it was yesterday.

My mother was the chief photographer who took all these pictures. I remember when we were little, she used to dress us up in matching outfits, buy a disposable camera and take us to various places like Plaza Singapura to have a "photoshoot" day.

It was only until last night, when I was going through the photos again that I realized we meant so much to her. Every shot, every pose, painstakingly crafted to preserve that special moment in time for herself to savor.

When I was much younger, I looked upon these albums as the only reminder I have of my mother, so I kept them. I figured if these were so important to her, it should be my duty and responsiblity to hold onto them and take proper care of them. It was only last night that I looked upon these photos in a different light and I learnt to appreciate my mother that much more.

It's difficult to put into words, but from nurturing Ace, I'm slowly starting to understand why these moments in time meant so much to my mother.

That first step, the first tooth, the first day of school. Every first for me meant I was taking a step further from her and with it, I was slowly growing into me, moulding my own personality and character.

My relationship with my mother was tumultous to say the least. She lavished love on me, but was also a strict disciplinarian. I remember crying buckets of tears when I tremulously showed her my Chinese homework. A single stroke out of line would cause her to rub the eraser over the entire page clean to make me re-write the Chinese characters. I remember cowering in fear when she reached for the cane to punish me when I had disobeyed her or bullied my brother.

From feelings of anger, hurt and frustration, I learnt over the years to accept and slowly come to terms with my mother's "old skool discipline".

But last night, sitting there slowly rearranging the thousands of old photos which brought back bittersweet memories, I felt I had finally understood her, woman to woman.

Labels: reflections

I'm ecstatic, the day I've been waiting for has finally arrived.

It's Friday, bringing along with it my much-needed weekend so that I can RELAX!



Somehow, the sun seems brighter, the sky is bluer, I can even hear birds singing in the distant background, ala Snow White, Cinderella, Disney kind of morning, hahahaha...



Just received an update from Emperor: He's passed his practical driving test! This means he's a legal driver now! This is his 1st attempt, and apparently he chalked up 18 points, which means he almost failed. Keyword: ALMOST. But he's experienced lar, cos' he used to ride motorbike wan leh.



This is not good, he's gonna be so hao lian lor. I dunno if I'll pass on my 1st attempt too. So worried just thinking about it, my practical test is on 28 Aug, and so far, I haven't even learnt how to park, reverse, or seen the inside of a circuit lor.

Everytime I get inside the car, my instructor starts talking about everything under the sun, except what I should look out for. Which is quite worrying cos' my instincts and reflexes are not very good. I suffer from naturally born clumsiness, which means I can trip on my own foot while walking, so would you trust me on the steering wheel? I'm getting so nervous just thinking about it!

Alot of people asked me why I dun wanna learn manual, I seriously can't leh. As it is, trying to handle an auto transmission car require so much hand-eye coordination liao, put one more clutch pedal for me to manoeuvre, will make me even more gan cheong lor. I know all sports cars all manual gear, but I dun think I'll ever get to drive a sports car in this life, so thanks, it's okie...

*Sigh* If I fail, he'll never let me live it down lor. 这是面子的问题!!! Somemore, I'm taking auto instead of manual, so all the more I MUST pass! "Hiii...yeah!" *flying karate kick* + *Bruce Lee signature yowl*

Labels: happy

I'm so sleepy...

Have been waking up earlier these 2 days, cos' Emperor has driving lessons in the morning so I have to feed Ace and clear his pee tray before I leave for work.

Never realised how dependent I was on that extra 30 to 45 minutes of sleep till today. Practically falling asleep at my desk now, and have not been productive at all for the whole morning. So not looking forward to driving lessons this evening.

I just wanna lie down on my bed and concuss till Saturday. Hah! If only I could, today's only Thursday...

Feels like I'm in prison right, week after week counting down the days till Saturdays and Sundays. I really dunno what is wrong with me... I've got no passion for my job at all, and if you ask me what would I really wanna do, I'd tell you, I dun wanna go to work at all.

But if I dun work, how am I gonna pay my bills? How am I gonna pay for my CPF housing instalments? How am I gonna sustain my shopping habits and my love for pampering myself? Maybe that's the whole problem, I feel chained to my job. It's not something I wanna do, but I have to do it. It's really such a pain in the ass sometimes. Looks like the only way to get a long paid leave is to get pregnant, hahaha... Get extra days of child care leave in a year too.

Came across this as I was googling, it really tickled me:




Excuse my senseless ramblings, I'm just really sleep-deprived.

Blame cable TV, blame my itchy arse for watching Goal! 2 on HBO till 12.45am. *Wah lau, damn stupid show can, no ending wan! Waste of my time* Blame my old age, blame my retarded metabolism rate for not giving me enough energy.

Gone are the days when I could go to work without feeling worse for wear after a whole night of partying or TV marathons. True, I may look younger than my actual age, but my body feels more like it belongs to that of a 40 year old.

It's so ironic that I look forward to Fridays and the weekends, but when it's really Friday, I just feel so drained by the whole week that I just feel like vegetating on the couch at home. How man? If I'm already feeling so drained without a baby, how am I gonna cope or handle having one?

When do you feel hurt?

When friends or family disregard your feelings?
When people around you misunderstand you?
When others take you for granted and dun show any appreciation for your efforts?

I think these are common hurt factors for most of us. On wat basis then, do we deem that the above scenarios are true?

I would think through our own validation, own perception and own assumption. It is very natural to think of your own feelings first, before taking a step back to analyse the situation calmly.

Well, I have been feeling hurt, cos' one of my BFF suddenly decided to take a long leave of absence and go MIA.

My dear fren, the last time we spoke was 6 Jun 2009. I remember it so clearly cos' I had finished my driving lessons that day, and I called you up on my way home. Amazingly, you picked up the call. I was rattling on in my usual style, but you seemed preoccupied. When I asked you what you were doing, you told me you were playing this online RPG game that I wouldn't be interested in.

Eventually, I decided to put down the phone cos' the conversation was really more one-sided on my part, and on top of that, it was way too noisy in the train.
And that was the last I heard from you...

It's been a whole month. Last weekend, Timothy tried to get you to join us for dinner, and again, no response from you.

From speaking on the phone almost every other day, meeting regularly for dinner and coffee, we have relegated to silence.

Am I being childish by feeling resentful towards you?
Am I being selfish by blaming you for doing stuff that you are interested in and I am not?
Am I being inconsiderate, or is it your total disregard for my feelings that leaves me hurt?

I honestly dunno.

I know you are just a phone call away, but my pride keeps me from calling. I presume that you will not answer, or if you answer, you will sound preoccupied, and I will feel lousy again, for feeling like I have interrupted you.

But then again, since when have I been able to foretell the future?

At the same time, my insecurities take over, and I question myself if I have offended you or let you down in some way, and that is why you have decided to distance yourself from our friendship?

And, I remind myself constantly that this is not the first time you have been so obsessed with online gaming. This is also not the first time it's been so difficult to get hold of you.

Maybe cos' it's not the first time, that's why I'm feeling especially hurt this time.